“I deserve….” those words either belong to someone discovering their self-worth or someone about to go down a dark rabbit hole of excess and suffering. Two separate road from the same gate. It can be hard to distinguish which road we are pointing down when it’s us. To an outside observer, however, it’s apparent.
I’m an alcoholic; my drinking career spanned 23 years, and my “deserve it” ranged from a bender on beer all the way to finishing a 5th of whiskey as I try to pull out nuanced flavors from the spirit. I’ve had several ego-driven “I deserve this” moments and “I deserve this” moments that resonated deep into my soul.
I’ll pause here to impart a little personal philosophy. Knowledge is just that; you read it, heard about it, but may not have experienced it. Wisdom, on the other hand, is that you’ve done messed it up (I’m in the military, so you can guess the actual words I’d use) and know not to do that again. When it comes to “I deserve this”, I consider myself a wise man.
I’m stubborn, so I have to learn the same lesson more than once, sometimes in a terrible fashion. I’ve had more than a few “I’m never drinking again” hangovers. I’ve spent the money on projects I damn well knew I wasn’t going to finish. I’ve spent 18 holes on a 9-hole day. These times have taught me this: When ego and self-indulgence plant the deserved seed in your head, it will tell you when the deserve starts but conveniently never let you know when you cross the line into excess.
There is an unquenchable thirst to hit the blackjack table one more time…again. One last round, and then I’ll head home. The wife and kids won’t mind if I’m an hour or so late; it’s the weekend….I deserve this. But it was never enough. In fact, the more I engaged, the less satisfying it was, and the more I had to engage to get the same initial feeling of joy…if any. It was like logic just turned off and so thoughts for others. I’ll admit it, I could be a selfish asshole.
I noticed something else. When it was ego-driven, I was defensive about deserving whatever I wanted to do. “I work my ass off; I deserve this.” I’d have arguments in my head with other people about how I’ve earned the thing. I could go on, but I leave it at this; I knew deep down that whatever I was about to do somehow diverted me from the person I felt I was; in some circles, it’s called my true self. It sounds woo woo but hear me out.
Have you ever been pulled towards doing something, but you threw up resistance to the idea? For me it’s my morning routine. That alarm goes off at 0500, and the last thing my mind wants to do, is sweat my ass off on the yoga mat, go sit in meditation for 20 minutes, spend 30-40 minutes journaling about whatever, then learn another language. But you know what I do it…most days. When I’m done, I feel like a million bucks, to the point that I’ve never regretted getting out of bed for it. I’m called to it but my ego wants otherwise. I surrender to the pull and am better for it. I deserved to actually take care of myself, I did the thing, I stopped when it was done, and I am refreshed.
Same can be said for hikes or bike rides in my house. Never have I or any of us regretted them. It pulls us, we listen, we deserve it and it rests well in our souls.
Now I do want to make a quick differentiation between drinking and being social. There’s drinking, there’s socializing, and often they are combined. My “best” drinking nights were out having fun with my friends. I mistook that as the drink was the fun part; it was the socialization I was being pulled to. Well pulled in a true self-sense. The addiction had me pulled towards alcohol. I say this to underscore that we can confuse an addicting habit as pillar of happiness.
When my deserve is in line with my soul, when it’s in line with who I am, it’s refreshing and rejuvenating. I feel better afterwards and ready to tackle what’s next. When it’s out of line with my soul, afterward, I feel like shit. Sometimes physically, sometimes spiritually, sometimes mentally, and maybe a combination of all three. I’m cranky and defensive. I was actually better off before I entered deserving than when I exited. And when life keeps going, I’d rather be refreshed.
No, do I get it right every time? Hell no. I am sober now, so the severity of the next day’s wisdom lesson is noticeably less harsh. But what I am doing now is shutting my mouth long enough to listen to what my soul is asking for, some would say, guiding me to do. My deserves have changed. They no longer insert something to hide me from my feelings or life. It’s going out with the kids, playing a game with the family, or maybe just taking a nap. Regardless of what it is, if I’m in line with myself, I exit it refreshed and ready.
We all deserve to take a breather, to gather our thoughts, to connect with who we really are. Whether it’s through sports, the arts, or backyard engineering, if it centers us, then it’s good for us…in moderation. Deserve is part of self-care and self-love, so it needs to be embraced. Just ensure you’re going down the right road once you enter the gate. You’ll know by the end of it.
